5/27/26 relationships with people and empathy(vent/rant):

i get reminded of my exes sometimes. usually due to the fact that its the closest ive actually felt to people. my latest partner was with me for a year and then broke up with me because he was "bored" apparently. i guess its understandable but that usually happens to me so it depresses me greatly. we have been apart for almost a year now and i havent gotten into another relationship. its not as if im still mourning the loss of him or anything. he wasnt sure of what he wanted and that was evident in how he liked to string me around at times. but thats alright, we dont need to know exactly what we want all the time, thats not how we work. he also liked competing about who was more "mentally ill" so it was meant to end.

im sure i havent tried again because i think i've started seeing patterns in the people that show any interest in me. they find out i like them, agree to date me, eventually start drifting away no matter what and then tell me they got bored. it can also be like that with the girls ive dated, just more mentally taxing. maybe because i only attract the toxic ones. one would touch me innapropriately when i didnt want to and say all these nasty things. i ended up having to move from that school because of a mental health crisis. my friends turned on me too. it made me realize i cant trust people. or give them my loyalty.

i used to go to therapy but those people make me angry too. they are so fake and they sigh and sigh, like your emotions are trivial. when i once told a therapist that i hated people, she told me she didnt think i did. i asked why and she said it was because i "acted too nice" to hate people. why would i be mean to someone? i dont hate every individual, i hate what we are capable of as human beings. i hate humanity. not trying to be edgy when i say that, i genuinely hate the things society doesnt care about.

you may think im exagerating but im not. let me make an example. we dont care about someone's problems if they are a stranger, we shouldn't either. imagine if we cared about everyone's feelings. it would never happen. even if it did, i feel like it would make empathy black and white. but even if someone knows you, it's entirley subjective whether they care about how you feel. its all shades of grey. that makes me upset but i think thats just how our brains work. for example, someone you view as your best friend may feel more sympathy for your abusive partner rather than you, who has listened to . maybe due to not having a spine or being decieved by their elaborate lies. but you cant get lose your cool. you need to remain understanding and mature. no matter who tells the story, you can know you were never in the wrong for snapping. you can be better than your feelings.

you may think that behavior like that is just exhausting and doesnt do much. i would say you are correct but that wouldnt mean i would act differently. i need to be seen as something better than everyone else. maybe something robotically perfect. in some way i feel better than the people that wronged me. for a bit anyway. then i start to wonder why this keeps fucking happening to me and i start to feel like everything is pointless. why even make friends if they are just gonna leave you in some broken state? why even consider going out your way to be with someone romantically? why let them tell you they wanna marry you and live with you till you're old just for them to tell you they got bored?

this has made me more critical of people that show me any sort of interest. do they want me for promiscuos reasons? do they want to push me away then pull in in once more? or is there going to genuinely be someone who wants to be around me? its usually the first two in some reguard. so its rather annoying when you see a pattern.

these experiences make you into a pessimist when it comes to relationships. or maybe just generally a misanthropist. also very isolated if you dont actually talk to people. but whatever, i usually enjoy being alone. i just hate when i realize how depressing it is.

first entry is wonderfully depressing! starting off strong!